While you're waiting for TS 12 to drop

...let me tell you about the time I met someone who knows her in the Denver airport (TW: some mention of suicidality as relates to mental health care work)

As a therapist working in crisis mental health, most of my writing these days comprises of session notes with big words like “euthymic” and abbreviations such ADLs WNL and also a little line of “appeared free from hallucinations and delusional thinking.” While I obtain my licensure hours in the state of CO that requires 2000 and/or two years of continuous work—whichever comes last, I work with a population at a high level of care. My groups run 12 weeks and while I did not initially picture myself in, or even know about this type of care, when starting my grad program, I interned in the same facility where I now work and it is a privilege to witness my clients’ courage to feel, and to hear their stories. It is a sacred thing to be with someone who when they begin treatment often want to die and to see them connect with themselves over the course of three months to a place where they discover they want to live. I also have the best coworkers you could ask for and in particular the women I work with have changed my life.

If you’re new to hearing about this kind of therapy, like I was, in this level of care you’re in session 4 days a week for 3+ hours a day for IOP (Intensive OutPatient), or in PHP (Partial HosPitalization) it is 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. Outside of inpatient or residential this is the highest level of care before you transition to outpatient weekly therapy. And at this level of care we are required to ask clients the same two questions every day we see them, either verbally or on paper. These are:

1) Since last session, have you wished you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up? (if yes answer question #2)
2) Since last session, have you actually had any thoughts of killing yourself?

The actually in the statement above always feels to me the potential to be invalidating but they are required as written.

I recently saw Taylor Tomlinson at the Paramount Theatre and an audience member shared that purchasing the tickets months ago was a part of their safety plan to help them look forward to something when they were feeling suicidal. There are so many ways to creatively work with ourselves and to keep ourselves safe until we feel safe to be ourselves. I’ve written about my thoughts on the topic some here and how even more so now that I get to do the work I do I hope for us to recognize mental health as a community problem and therefore needing a community solution rather than a singular individual diagnosed and alone with no one taking accountability for the harm done that put them there. And if you are reading this and feeling things, please take care of you by reaching out to someone or the hotline right here: 988 lifeline

It might be your first time seeing or considering those questions, for clients in IOP or PHP they probably have it memorized. So, this past week—alongside the fact that these two questions are most familiar, I wondered if a spin on the question itself could offer a sense of other feelings we all have. So I asked my clients, and now I ask you:

Since last session, what have you wished for?

Maybe you’re not in therapy or don’t have a reference for a session but swap it out for, since…something, maybe last paycheck or last night or lunch, what have you wished for? All green lights on the way to work when you were running late, to figure out whatever current problem in life is leaving you stuck, that you could skip town, that your friend would actually text you back?

Wishes are important and because of this I have two kinds. One is informal, like when you catch an eyelash between your thumb and finger and turn to the person you love next to you and ask them to guess which one and if they’re right you run the eyelash so it’s lost in their hair and if they’re wrong, well then. You get a wish and run it through yours.

Or when the hook on the chain of your necklace meets the pendant and your friend pulls it back behind your neck. Or when it’s 11:11 or 12:34 or you’re blowing out birthday candles or a moment is so glorious and quiet you know you’ll want to find your way back to the feeling somehow.

Then there’s the formal kind. These are the ones you declare, and pop culture would say “It’s called manifesting, look it up” however I wonder if that has the necessary ingredient of vulnerability, the fear of failure, the pain of having other people know something about you who were once your friends and alway remembering they can see enough of your life to realize you’ve still never gotten it…that’s what makes a formal wish. Something you’re willing to make happen as much as you can that will require something else you definitely can’t.

And so my friends we have arrived to the story promised in the subtitle.

Tomorrow Taylor Swift’s 12th album drops (10pmMST for me today and I literally took PTO). In the few short hours before this beautiful moment arrives—with a song literally titled “Ruin the Friendship”—I thought I might take a moment from writing my therapy notes to tell you this story.

Regarding the above wishes, a weird thing about me is: every formal wish in my life has come true except for one. And yes, as a result I am increasingly careful about what I wish for as I know what it feels like to live in the reality where they come true.

This one untrue wish is the singular delusion I allow myself, a secret garden in my mind if you catch my drift, and it is this: One day I will meet Taylor Swift. And I don’t mean as a passerby or at an autograph signing, I mean truly sit down and have dinner and stay up late with perhaps an invitation to a friendship of sorts. Maybe this is our modern day fairytale: a commoner meets the celebrity instead of a prince and the two form an unlikely bond.

Well, this is about a moment I almost missed and is so close to this wish coming true I still feel like I made it all up.

In 2023 I published my book, How to Be a Bad Friend, a book all about friend breakups composed of personal stories mixed with some psycho-education and psychoanalysis. This book took me five years to write and my whole life to live and was rejected by the one agency that I got to take a look after sending out dozens of queries. Their answer in a nutshell was “Love it, come back when you have 10k Instagram followers” so I forged my own path and spent my own money and self published. Now in the landscape of published books on the subject their happen to be two more entitled “Bad Friend” released this year and I thank my lucky stars I trusted my gut and my work was out there first if only because of what happened two years ago this October.

Much of my writing of this book was done in Northern Ireland and I thought it would be fun to go back to the place where I wrote to celebrate all the work that was done, except whenever my partner and I travel I get anxious due to the dependency on childcare. So of course my youngest woke up at 4am with a fever which kicked in my fight or flight response because she now could not attend school and nor could I in good conscience ask my friend, and then my nanny, to take care of my sick kid. I thanked my lucky stars I still had a Covid test and that she was negative. Then my next task was to ask for help from my friend to a) watch my sick kid and b) come earlier because she wouldn’t be at school. This went in tandem with asking my nanny because now my child had 72 hours to get better before she arrives and if I had learned anything as a parent there are no guarantees for when a child will be well. All these logistics went down from 4am-8am at which point we needed to leave for the airport.

Through security I start to breathe once I sit down with my glass of Prosecco in the lounge only to get a call from my oldest’s school requesting a call back. What is going wrong now? Is another kid sick too? Turns out it was just something administrative. We cheers to another crisis averted and sip on wine until it is time to board…when suddenly, another school calls. My straight A student who is always on time for everything and rides the bus is absent from school. I check their location to see if their phone is at school and call that office. They say “It looks like they’re absent but we’ll double check.” I inform them I’m about to board a flight and leaving the country so a call back would be helpful. They agree. I wait, nothing. Finally in line to board I call back and the office manager says “Oh so sorry I forgot! They’re here, have a great trip.” I take one last deep breath and cannot believe the morning I have had with more than enough close calls for my small life savings of a really special trip being lost.

I straighten up and put my vacation face on. As this is the fifth time I have made this trek to N. Ireland I have a variety of rituals throughout. I turn to my partner and say, “Let me show you this game that I play, you look around and see who might be traveling to your same destination or is from another country, there see?” And in saying all this I nod in the direction of an impeccably dressed older man with a navy blue wool coat and leather satchel walking from the boarding area to the group one line that has far extended beyond where we stand in group two.

Suddenly this all dawns on me in slow motion as I realize who it is and I ask myself aloud “Is that Martin McDonagh?”

For this next part you’ll want some context. Last year, when I was wrapping up edits on my final draft Martin released a film titled The Banshees of Inisherin. A film—if you haven’t seen it—about friend breakups. This alone is quite the coincidence, but the only reason I recognized his face was due to an interview for Variety magazine called Directors on Directors that he did with, you guessed it, none other than Taylor Alison Swift. Not only this, but Swift herself highlights McDonagh’s telling of the necessary but neglected story of friend breakups noting how this is something no one talks about. I had already wondered (and googled) if there was a way I could mail my book to him, as my love for this film runs deep because it pays attention to the gritty and terrifying feelings it is to suddenly lose a friend and also to go mad trying to rid one’s self of one.

I quickly do the math, boarding begins in five minutes and I have as many books in my suitcase, and what else were all the trials of this morning for but three fates disguised, testing me with obstacles on my path. My fantastical mind is alive and I ask my partner in a daze, “Should I give him a copy of my book?” To which he says “Shoot your shot girl” and in less than a second I’ve unzipped and rezipped my suitcase and am walking over to this man with a confidence I’ve never felt before or since in my entire life, and a copy of my book. When I retell this story to friends I laugh at myself in disbelief that I spoke with an Oscar winning director as if I belonged there.

I ask “Are you Martin McDonagh, the director of Banshees of Inisherin?”

He seems slightly startled, and responds kindly with “Yes”

And then I introduce myself and ask if I can give him, or if he would accept, a copy of my book. I tell him it’s about friend breakups, and express my appreciation for his work particular to this subject. Boarding has begun and the group one line is moving but I’ve locked in and am walking with him. I mention the book is self published, in brief summarizing the contents and its similarities to themes in Banshees. He thanks me. I thank him again for telling this story through film. And then I mention that I am hoping to get a copy to Taylor Swift stating “because I think she might like it” to which he says with a smile my heart will never forget, “Oh, she’s going to love it” with one other comment I’ll keep to myself and close friends. He shakes my hand and I realize I’m now parallel to my husband and while I’ve been cool this handshake is helping me recognize that my star struck jitters are setting in and to remain cool I need to stop gushing about friend breakups and take the next 3-5 business days to allow what’s just happened to sink in to my reality.

Of course he is in first class and gives us both a nod and smile as we board in economy. I still try to look very chill but when I get to my seat I am shaking like a puppy and going over and over in my head the last five minutes and the last five hours and how it was that I almost missed meeting him had I not looked up after the anxiety of such a morning.

Perhaps I should have written this story years ago right after it happened. I sent a book to one address for Taylor Swift with a short note taped to the cover relaying a synopsis of the meeting the above. It was returned. I sent it out again to another address and haven’t seen it since. Who knows, I like to imagine she received it and that she did actually love it.

Now with TLOAS releasing TONIGHT with track 6 titled “Ruin the Friendship”—I can’t help but wonder if maybe I ought to count this wish as being a little bit true and thought it was a fun moment to share this with you. It is a moment that makes me feel like the playful delusions we keep and the wishes we make deserve the spotlight and definitely more credit. And on days where you’re anxious and everything seems to be going wrong, to remember to take a deep breath because you never know what will happen if you decide to look up and keep paying attention. After all, isn’t that how any wish comes true? That is, as long as you’re making them to start with.

So, since reading all this, what will you wish for?